Remember before the Winter Olympics were cool everybody had a hard-on for the Summer ones? And remember Michael Phelps,  that guy everybody thought was so great because he outswam a bunch of humans?

Big deal. I'm a human and I suck at swimming. But you know who doesn't suck at swimming? Dolphins.

This train of logic can only lead us to one thing. To be any good, the next Summer Olympics will have to have Phelps fight a dolphin to the death in a swimming pool. (The pool will be salt water to be fair to the dolphin, of course.)

Name	Bottlenose Dolphin	Michael Phelps
Mug shot
Grin	Adorable	Goofy
Preferred Inhalation Method	Blowhole	Bong
What I Like	Over a thousands pounds + incredible speed burst ability = deadly ramming potential. According to this textbook I found, a dolphin charge does 2d6+5 damage. Phelps better bring a lot of hit points.	You can't make a fists with flippers. Meanwhile Gold Medal Boy can lob his hand grenades from a distance with his 6-ft. 7-in. arm span.
What Worries Me	Friendliness. There have 24 reported cases of dolphin agression towards humans in the last five years. That's it? We're killing them for cheap seafood, making them do stupid tricks for fat tourists and trying to ride them. Where's dolphin Spartacus?	Inferior human respiratory system. Bottlenose dolphins can hold their breath for up to 20 minutes. Phelps is in trouble if the dolphin can get a piece of him and keep him underwater.

Special Fight Rules - The participants will meet on a specially designed luge/skeleton run. I've had somebody in our labs draft up the schematics shown on the right.

• A represents the starting point of Luge Guy. 
• B represents the starting point of Skeleton Guy.
• C represents their point of impact.

	Skeleton Guy	Luge Guy
Attack Move	Flying headbutt	Double-leg kick
What I Like	If he steers well, could land a devastating headbutt to the exposed crotch of Luge Guy.	Two feet, two weapons. Could combine them and go straight for the helmet or separate for a pincer attack aimed at exposed shoulders.
What Worries Me	Might be hard to keep his eye on the prize. Luge Guy gets to watch the initial impact from six feet away. Skeleton Guy must suppress instinct and not blink.	Footwear. When throwing a 90 mile per hour luge kick, slippers aren't ideal protective gear.

	T-Rex	Giant Pigeon*
Mug Shot
Species	Tyrannosaurus rex	C. livia
What I Like	Lots. Excellent vision. Teeth that can crush hadrosaur bone. Quick on its feet when moving. Powerful legs that provide a sturdy base. Killer instinct. Experience fighting giant things.	Flight. T-rex has a lot going for it but the pigeon's aerial ability is what makes this a fair fight. Also, bravery. 32 pigeons were awarded the Dickin Medal during World War II.
What Worries Me	Upper body strength. Those tiny arms aren't going to offer a lot of protection when the pigeon goes into its kamikaze dive attack. We saw this issue when T-Rex's purple cousin Barney fought Grimace.	Pigeons, like other flying birds, have hollow bones. These are more than sturdy enough for flying but will crunch like a Butterfinger if Rex gets a bite.

*A quick note here about what I mean by a giant pigeon. The pigeon in this fight would be the same size as the T-Rex.

My logic is that by the time we have the technology to reanimate dinosaurs, we will have the power to make a pigeon 35-feet tall.